This is why I need my Program

Current reality:

Life is a little shitty and somehow, I survive + my sobriety grows muscle.

*I am getting divorced. – This week I am in the very last leg of my divorce. My second divorce, mind you. And while every ounce of my brain tells me that this is a VERY good thing – my heart somehow is hurting like I will never know love again. Ever. #fear

*My parents just got divorced – No matter how old you are, this still hits the heart. My parents, who are in their 70’s and live in a different country, are themselves going thru the messy reality of divorcing. It seems to be the trend of this year. A month ago, my mom visited me for 3 weeks, followed by now a visit from my dad. While it is joyful to have my parents, it is also stressful and sad, and I become co-dependently bound to their every need. I want to fix their lives so badly – and I cant. #codependency

*My son’s dad (1st husband) is still not paying child support, so we are going in front of a judge in June. For the 5th time in 10 years. Its the never-ending story of emotional abuse with a man who has done nothing for his child, and for some reason he has the power to arrogantly demand his rights. #powerlessness

*Meanwhile, I am a little hamster who works 60 hours a week to pay for my attorney, help out my parents, pay IRS debt and raise a teenager on her own (do ya know how much PROM costs??). I work a 40 hour executive job, and do voice-overs for tv and radio spots after-hours. Sometimes in my closet. Its a joy to have many ways of generating income, but I am only working to pay debt.  #exhaustion

And so…If I didn’t have my program I would be drinking.

Lots. Hard. Because everything that I described above feels like a shitload of painful and fearful feelings that I want to run away from. The hot loneliness and the nausea caused by fear and frustration go away really f*cking fast with a couple of tall Stella’s and a few Cabernets.

But that is not available. The hot red ESCAPE button is just not available to me.

Instead, I go to my program. I breathe. I pause. I recognize my feelings. I talk to God. I pray. I meditate. I call my sponsor (and cry unabashedly). I write. I help other drunks like me. Even if its through a post on IG or a quick text to see how they are. I get out of my head. I stay in my heart and in my pain and I go thru it. Which is fucking hard. But its the only way to do life for me now.

That is why I  need my program. Because all of the problems above would PALE in comparison if I tried to solve them sitting on a bar.

I am strong. I am sober. I am serene. I can do this.

SM.

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2 thoughts on “This is why I need my Program

  1. Ashley Ann Longmire says:

    Oh wow. I can relate to so much of this. Divorce (only one, hopefully the only one I’ll ever have, but still), child support issues, constant contempt hearings, ugh. So inspiring to watch people go through hard times sober. I got sober after my divorce was final in 2015, and only a few weeks before I had to file for emergency sole custody of my 3 children. Had no idea THAT was going to happen, but it did. Went through that whole battle sober, and it was a doozy (almost 18 months before a final order was put into place). So I totally get it on the cost of raising kids and legal fees and all that. Raising my glass (of water) to you in solidarity. ❤ Thanks so much for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sobermami says:

    I am so grateful that you can now look back at the wreckage and know that it made you stronger. Thank you for sharing with me, its like a virtual hug as I go through this.
    Thank you, sober sister!
    Pamela

    Like

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