Life is a little shitty and somehow, I survive + my sobriety grows muscle.
*I am getting divorced. – This week I am in the very last leg of my divorce. My second divorce, mind you. And while every ounce of my brain tells me that this is a VERY good thing – my heart somehow is hurting like I will never know love again. Ever. #fear
*My parents just got divorced – No matter how old you are, this still hits the heart. My parents, who are in their 70’s and live in a different country, are themselves going thru the messy reality of divorcing. It seems to be the trend of this year. A month ago, my mom visited me for 3 weeks, followed by now a visit from my dad. While it is joyful to have my parents, it is also stressful and sad, and I become co-dependently bound to their every need. I want to fix their lives so badly – and I cant. #codependency
*My son’s dad (1st husband) is still not paying child support, so we are going in front of a judge in June. For the 5th time in 10 years. Its the never-ending story of emotional abuse with a man who has done nothing for his child, and for some reason he has the power to arrogantly demand his rights. #powerlessness
*Meanwhile, I am a little hamster who works 60 hours a week to pay for my attorney, help out my parents, pay IRS debt and raise a teenager on her own (do ya know how much PROM costs??). I work a 40 hour executive job, and do voice-overs for tv and radio spots after-hours. Sometimes in my closet. Its a joy to have many ways of generating income, but I am only working to pay debt. #exhaustion
And so…If I didn’t have my program I would be drinking.
Lots. Hard. Because everything that I described above feels like a shitload of painful and fearful feelings that I want to run away from. The hot loneliness and the nausea caused by fear and frustration go away really f*cking fast with a couple of tall Stella’s and a few Cabernets.
But that is not available. The hot red ESCAPE button is just not available to me.
Instead, I go to my program. I breathe. I pause. I recognize my feelings. I talk to God. I pray. I meditate. I call my sponsor (and cry unabashedly). I write. I help other drunks like me. Even if its through a post on IG or a quick text to see how they are. I get out of my head. I stay in my heart and in my pain and I go thru it. Which is fucking hard. But its the only way to do life for me now.
That is why I need my program. Because all of the problems above would PALE in comparison if I tried to solve them sitting on a bar.
I am strong. I am sober. I am serene. I can do this.